Friday, August 20, 2010

60 Islamic ways to get and keep your wife's love

1. Make her feel secure; (sakina- tranquillity) QUIT BEING AGGRESSIVE

2. When you go home say 'Assalamualaikum. ' (Greetings) It kicks the shaitaan out of your home!

3. Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wa sallam) described the wife as a fragile vessel and said to take care of this vessel that’s fragile. Remember that there is goodness in this vessel so treat it gently.

4. When you advise her, do so in privacy, in a peaceful environment. NOT IN PUBLIC as it’s a type of slandering.

5. Be generous to your wife- it keeps her LOVED

6. Move and let her have your seat. It will warm her heart.

7. AVIOD ANGER. HOW? Keep your wudu at all times. Prophet sallallahu alaihi wa sallam said if you are angry, sit down, if you’re sitting, then lie down. Follow the sunnah!

8. Look good and smell great for your wife. IT keeps the LOVE!

9. Don’t be rigid. It will break you. Prophet Mohammed – sallallahu alaihi wa sallam (SAW means “May the blessings and the peace of Allah be upon him” (Muhammad).) said 'I am the best amongst you and I am the best to my wife'. Being rigid and harsh will not bring you close to Allah and neither does it make you more of a man.

10. Listen to your wife-BE a GOOD LISTENER

11. YES to flattering NO to arguing. Arguing is like poison in a marriage. Al zawai said 'When Allah (swt) wants evil for people He will leave them to argue amongst themselves'.

12. Prophet sallallahu alaihi wa sallam said to call your wives with the best name, any name she loves to hear. Prophet Mohammed sallallahu alaihi wa sallam called Aisha 'ya Aish' as an endearment.

13. Give her a pleasant surprise. I.e. if she loves watermelon, bring her one out of the blue. It will grow the love in her heart.

14. Preserve your tongue! Prophet sallallahu alaihi wa sallam said the tongue will throw people in the hell fire so watch what you say and how you say it!

15. All of us have shortcoming. Accept her shortcoming and Allah (swt) will put barakat in your marriage.

16. TELL her you appreciate her. SHOW her you appreciate her.

17. Encourage her to keep good relation with her relative, her mum and dad etc.

18. Speak with her with a topic of HER interest.

19. In front of her relative praise her. Confirm/ realize that she is wonderful, and that she is a good person in front of her family.

20. Give each other gifts. You will love each other more. Prophet sallallahu alaihi wa sallam said gifts increases love.

21. Get rid of the routine once in a while, surprise her with something, it will get rid of the rust and polish it!

22. Husnul zaan- We have a demand from Allah (swt) that we have to think good of people. Think good of your spouse.

23. Ignore some of her mistakes- pretend you did not see/hear some of her small mistakes. It was a practice of Ali (RA). It’s like putting a hole in your memory. Don’t save it in your memory!

24. Increase the drops of patience, especially when she is pregnant or when she is on her monthly period.

25. Expect and respect her jealousy. Even Aisha (ra) used to get jealous.

26. Be humble. If your profession is good, respect that she is looking after your children, she is much more than you, she is the leader at home, her strength is your strength, and her success is your success.

27. Don't put your friends above your wife.

28. Help your wife at home. Prophet sallallahu alaihi wa sallam used to help his wives at home and he was the best of creation. He used to sew his own clothes.

29. Help her respect your parents, you can’t force her to love them, but she can be helped to gradually love them.

30. Show your wife she is the ideal wife.

31. Remember your wife in your duaas. It will increase the love and protect it.

32. Leave the past. It brings nothing but pain and grief. It’s not your business. The past is for Allah (swt).

33. Don't try to show her that you are doing her a favour by doing something, like buying food for the house, because in reality we are the courier of sustenance, not the providers, as Allah is the provider. It’s also a way of being humble and thankful to Allah (swt)

34. Shaitaan is your enemy, not your wife. Sometime when husband and wife are talking a fight breaks out, then shaitaan is present there as a third person so he is the real enemy. It is not enough to hate the shaitaan, but you have to see him as an enemy as Allah has commanded. Shaitaan loves divorce. HE comes everyday and sits office and asks the devils what they have done, some say i have made a person steal, or i have made someone drink etc. And one devil will say i have made a man divorce his wife, and he is crowned as the one who has done the best job.

35. Take the food and put it in her mouth. Prophet sallallahu alaihi wa sallam taught us this. It’s a blessing. The food doesn’t just go to her stomach, but straight to her heart. It increases the love and mercy between you.

36. Protect your wife from the evil of the shaitaan and mankind. She is like a precious pearl that needs protecting from the envy of human devils and shaitaan.

37. Show her your smile. Smile at your wife. IT’S A CHARITY.

38. Small problems/ challenges can become a big problem. Or if there is small thing she didn't like and you keep repeating them anyway, it will create a wall between you. Don’t ignore them as it can become big.

39. Avoid being harsh hearted and moody. Allah said of prophet (saw) 'if you were harsh hearted they (the companions) would have left you.' It confirms prophet sallallahu alaihi wa sallam was not harsh hearted, so GET RID OF IT.

40. Respect her thinking. It’s strength for you. Show you like her thoughts and suggestions.

41. Help her to achieve her potential and help her to dig and find success within as her success is your success.

42. Respect the intimate relationship and its boundaries. Prophet sallallahu alaihi wa sallam said she is like a fragile vessel and she needs to be treated tenderly. Sometime she may not be feeling well; you must respect and appreciate that feeling.

43. Help her to take care of the children. Some men think it makes them appear less of a man but in fact it makes you appear a bigger man and more respected, especially in the sight of Allah (swt).

44. Use the gifts of the tongue and sweet talk her. Tell her she looks great, be an artist. Pick and choose gifts of the tongue.

45. Sit down and eat with her and share food with her.

46. Let her know you are travelling. Don't tell her out of the blue as it’s against Islam. Tell her the date/ time of when you are coming back also.

47. Don't leave the house as soon as trouble brews.

48. The house has privacy and secrecy. Once you take this privacy and secrecy to your friends and family you are in danger of putting a serious hole in your marriage. This secrecy stays home. Islam is against leaving them out like a garage sale for anyone to come and pick and choose.

49. Encourage each other for ibadah, i.e. plan a trip for hajj or umrah together. It increases and strengthens the love when you help each other perform a good deeds together i.e, do tahajuud together,or go to a dars together etc.

50. Know her rights, not only written in paper but engraved in your heart and engraved in your conscious.

51. Allah( swt) said 'live with your wives in kindness.' Treat them with kindness and goodness. It means in happy times and in sadness treat her with goodness and fairness.

52. Prophet sallallahu alaihi wa sallam showed that at the time of intimacy. Don’t jump on your wife like an animal!

53. When you have a dispute with your wife don’t tell everyone. It’s like leaving your wounds open to germs so be careful who you share your problems and disputes with.

54. Show your wife you really care for her health. Good health of your wife is your good health. To care for her health shows her that you love her.

55. Don’t think you are always right. No matter how good you are you have shortcomings. You are not perfect as the only one who was perfect in character was prophet sallallahu alaihi wa sallam Get rid of this disease.

56. Share your problems, your happiness, and your sadness with her.

57. Have mercy on her weakness. Have mercy when she is weak or strong as she is the fragile vessel. Prophet sallallahu alaihi wa sallam said that your wife is a trust in your hand.

58. Remember you are her strength, someone to lean on in times of hardship.

59. Accept her as she is. Prophet sallallahu alaihi wa sallam said that women are created from the rib which is bent. If you try to straighten her you will break her (divorce). Prophet sallallahu alaihi wa sallam said that you may dislike one habit in her but you will like another manner in her so accept her as she is.

60. Have good intention for your wife all the time, Allah monitors your intention and your heart at all times. Allah (s.w.t) said Among His Signs is that He created for you wives from among yourselves, that you may find repose in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy. Verily, in that are indeed signs for a people who reflect.._

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Why Kashmir Burns


It's our inability to talk about Kashmir outside the framework set by popular media, government propaganda and the rhetoric of nationalism, that fails us in the eyes of Kashmir today Smita Singh Bangalore/ Srinagar I was 13 in March 1991 when I reached Kashmir। My father was posted there as part of the army's Engineering Signals Regiment। I looked out as our convoy crawled through the empty streets of Srinagar, silent but for the graffiti screaming from a wall here, a poster there - 'Indian Dogs Go Away', 'We Want Freedom', 'Hizbul Mujahideen Zindabad', some incomprehensible scrawls in Urdu - until we entered the cantonment। Bungalows and beautiful lawns, tree-lined pavements and the olive green of the uniforms - comforting, familiar and welcome। The images of the ghost town receded, but not for long. It was the year of the Kanun Poshpura rapes. Kashmir was ablaze with anger at the alleged mass rape of women in the village by army soldiers of the 4th Rajputana Rifles. According to the villagers, on February 23, 1991, the men were rounded up for questioning while the soldiers entered their homes and raped the women. Women: anywhere from 23 to 100 in number, 13- to 80-year-old, married, unmarried and pregnant. After many complaints by local and international media about the lack of proper investigation, massive agitations, and more violence, a committee set up by the Press Council of India, at the request of the army, was sent to investigate the case.The Press Council is neither a government body nor an investigative one. The case was never investigated by the police because ASP Dilbaugh Singh was first said to be on leave and by July had been transferred out of the region. In its report, the committee called the allegations a hoax to malign the army, instigated by militant groups and, of course, the ubiquitous foreign hand.I returned to Kashmir 18 years later to another summer, another agitation. On May 30, 2009, the bodies of 22-year-old Neelofar and her 17-year-old sister-in-law, Asiya, were discovered in a stream in the apple town of Shopian. Their family and locals suspected foul play even as early post-mortem reports suggested rape and murder. It took no less than six months, three post-mortems, an exhumation, four suspensions of state police officers, besides the charge-sheeting of six doctors, five lawyers and two witnesses - and hundreds injured in agitations - for the CBI to conclude that there had been no rape or murder.The CBI indicted 13 people for falsifying evidence to malign the security forces. The deaths were attributed to drowning in the Rambi Ara Nallah - first of its kind in living memory. No one had ever drowned in the stream before.June 2009: the call for bandh was clear - only nervous, tense groups of browns and greens assembled, stop¬ping, checking, watching from behind bunkers, sandbags and bullet-proof glass. For the first time in my life I passed an army checkpoint without a salute to the vehicle; this time I was in a 'civilian' vehicle. We were asked to step out while an armed soldier demanded that all four wheels be taken out for a thorough check. It started to sink in that I was married to a Kashmiri Muslim and what it means to travel as a 'civilian' on this side of the cantonment.Life within the perimeters of shutdowns, curfews and agitations is a strange experience - everything comes to a standstill except the mind. With nothing to do, nowhere to go, family and friends gather around for talks and tea. A pretty college student remembers the Amarnath land row agitation. "There was a complete shutdown for a month - no TV, no news, no school or college, ration supply cut off, plus shoot at sight orders... It was like we would go mad for not screaming. Only when the protesters came out braving the security forces did we feel alive - we would make food for them and drop them in packets from windows and balconies."Traders lose money and businesses, students fail degrees, the old and sick suffer without treatment, and yet, support, from moral to material, pours forth from every corner for the call to shutdown the valley for the two girls found dead in the small town of Shopian. "The girl who died, Asiya Jan, was very good at Mathematics. I read it in the newspaper. Did you know?" the student asks. I shake my head. The names had not made it to my newspaper back in Bangalore.A neighbour drops in with video clips of anti-India sloganeering to everyone's general amusement. They are on his cell phone. "Ragdo Ragdo, India Ragdo," shout men in a frenzy, sending the girls into peals of laughter. 1990s: Shafiq, now 33, remem¬bers his teens - living through cordon and search operations. "I was 14 when a cousin and I were prodded in the back by rifles all the way to the school ground where identification parades take place. You had to walk down this path, past military vehicles inside which an informer sat. Even with loudspeakers blaring Hindi film music, you could hear screams. We'd know an interrogation is in progress. Someone has been identified. I remember getting slapped by my father once for wearing red. Colours got you in trouble, made you more noticeable... After you have been paraded, you sat down watching uncles, brothers, cousins, friends doing the routine. Rich, poor, old and young - hundreds squatting on the ground through rain, snow or sun for hours.During Ramadan, when the masjid gave a call for Iftar, we would still be sitting huddled together like cattle. Some old men would lick the sweat off their palms to break the fast. We knew some of us would never see our families again... or loud colours or music for that matter."Thousands disappeared forever and many more appeared in unmarked graves over the years since then.Srinagar opened to business as usual the next day and we felt compelled to make the perfunctory trips to the Dal Lake and the gardens. Every picture had a bunker in the background, every garden full of gregarious Indian tourists, some happily posing with the armed forces, whom we carefully avoided looking in the eye. "Picnic in Palestine," quips a cousin. I pass the gates to the cantonment - the old familiar comfort, alien and out of reach today. While returning, we get stuck in a traffic jam caused by some lal batti (red light) staff cars. A minister seems to be in a hurry. The self-disparaging Kashmiri sense of humour is never better than when the talk turns to elections and governments. "There is this anecdote that's quite popular here. A father and son on a scooter stop at a red light adjacent to Farooq Abdullah's lal batti vehicle," an uncle tells me. "To the son's enquiry, the father replies, 'That's my chief minister sitting in the front,' and pointing at the back at Omar who is then only a boy, he says, 'and that's yours.'"Back home, it's news time. Kashmiri youth call Indian media BLINDIA. "They should come here to host their panel discussions and talk shows. While our newspapers are gagged, their reporters have a free run. Even then they don't report on our rapes and murders. Why are there no vigils and investigations on Shopian?" asks Sheeba, a medical student. "It's like we don't exist till we throw stones or are killed."This screaming, writhing non-existence is not new to the Kashmiri. Its landscape, just like poverty in India, has been used for centuries to work through different narratives. It fits well in most, albeit minus its inhabitants who smudge the scene. From conniving and treacherous to hapless victims and pawns, many epithets, many portraits of the Kashmiri - none valiant, none spirited. In this mirror, they must decline to recognise themselves, as they do every day.My husband tells me of a great grand uncle's wish on his death bed, "Yile aes azaad gatchow maine kabre peth ieezew van-ne." (When Kashmir is azaad, come to my grave and let me know.) He died when Kashmir was ruled by Maharaja Hari Singh.Indefinable and fast receding, freedom may be a very distant dream for this generation, but their urgent demand is acknowledgment of the existence they have and of our complicity in it. It's our inability to talk about Kashmir outside the framework set by popular media, government propaganda and the rhetoric of nationalism, that fails us in the eyes of Kashmir today - both the land and its people.
Thanks: Based in Bangalore, Smita Singh is a freelance television writer working for BBC World, National Geographic, and national networks